STATE'S OBLITERATION OF PUBLIC SCHOOLING IS NEARLY COMPLETE
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:
In 1901, a weather vane, a magnificent statue of 'Winged Victory,' was placed on top of our copper-domed Capitol in Phoenix. Old-timers claim she was often shot at by drunk, trigger-happy cowboys hankering to see her spin.
Today the iconic dame wears a MAGA hat, the wreath she holds aloft has been replaced by the letter 'Q' and she's spinning like a top, thanks to the drunk-on-Trump gasbags bloviating gale-force methane daily in our Legislature.
Donald Trump said he loves the uneducated, and with our Legislature he struck the mother lode, the biggest bustling corral of bovine bullies, blowhards and Bible-milking hypocrites west of reality.
Arizona turned 110 last Valentine's Day. Could that explain why our state suffers dementia when it comes to education?
For decades our public schools have been underfunded, understaffed and overwhelmed thanks to these bellowing bovids dedicated to ensuring Arizona's public schools are last in the nation in every category and that we continue to bleed quality educators like a gored stallion in a bullring.
On spending we're behind Madagascar. Madagascar has a box of chalk and a pencil sharpener.
To add to our pride, Arizona's schools are shy about 2,000 educators who worked here briefly, learned their lesson and skedaddled as fast as they could to greener pastures named 'Anyplace but this Godforsaken Wasteland' leaving our schools struggling to wrangle new teachers, or should we say suckers, willing to be a political piñata every budget cycle. And to take a vow of poverty. And to be yoked like beasts of burden by their culture-warcrazed overseers with mind-boggling regulations and endless runs at muzzling speech in their classrooms. And now the herd famed for daily dropping their odoriferous bills onto the floor of our statehouse has some bad news and some good news for y'all. The bad: As of Friday they were itching to cut the $1.2 billion dollars owed public ed with every single R in the House voting to slash public ed's lifeline. It's a cliffhanger in the Senate. That'd mean more layoffs, more programs butchered, more school closings and celebratory hootenannies at state Republican Party Headquarters. They stripped the meat off public education's bones years ago. Now they want to suck out the marrow. The good news? What do our schools desperately need? Guns. In our classrooms. Guns. Their solution to all our problems. If their brains were bullets they'd be firing blanks. When Arizona became a state, our founders decided little old Tucson would get the state university. In return, Phoenix, home to the Legislature, would get the state asylum, thus giving our capital two wholly indistinguishable institutions. Today the State Hospital's gone, but our statehouse continues to serve as our premier asylum for lunatics, kooks and cultists. Behold. Rep. Steve 'Trump for King' Kaiser wants educators to stop teaching subjects that cause our poor sensitive Caucasian kiddies to feel bad. Such snowflakey victims of facts deserve special protection from reality. Instead, teach our pale-faced punkins revisionist history so they don't feel blue about historic racism. Teach lies. We'll call them white lies. Sen. Nancy 'No one but Trump-o' Barto, inspired by the old East German Stasi, vants all teachers to post everything zat zey are teaching on zeir websites so zey can make sure no one is teaching 'critical race theory'. Make White America Feel Great Again. Or else. Sen. Michelle Ugenti-Rita, a Sarah Palin poodle from Snottsdale, wants a magic wand granting all school board meeting protesters immunity from arrest. It's just harmless legitimate political discourse. (Darn those freedom-hating fascists who want us to wear masks!) She's also calling for our nonpartisan school board races to become partisan. This is so the the good people of the Legitimate Political Discourse Party will know which candidates belong to the sinister Godless-America-Hating-Socialistical- Party. Their agenda is clear. Keep expanding vouchers. They love robbing public education to fund white flight to unregulated and unaccountable private and elite schools. Keep pushing guns in our schools. And be damned sure there's a portrait of President Donald Trump and a 'Don't Tread On Me' flag in every classroom for the coroners to salute when they 're called to the next 'frontier justice' schoolhouse crime scene. Keep serving the rich donors who keep their feedbags full of campaign cash by hammering Arizona's Supreme Court to kill Prop. 208, the desperate initiative passed by Arizona's disgusted voters calling on that party's wealthy enablers to pay their fair share to fund our schools as if we were living in a 21st century civilization. Keep at it and take a bow, Arizona lawmakers. Your decadeslong crusade to dismantle and decimate public education has been a crushing success. David Fitzsimmons: firstname.lastname@example.org DAVID FITZSIMMONS Arizona Daily Star